Manifesto to Yongwoo
Dear Yongwoo,
I realized that in either case, I am going to have to articulate this, and it will be unpleasant because I have learned a lot from my time hustling magic these past months. I've grown a new appreciation for this authentic American culture found in Chicagoland. In my blissfully ignorant past, I had been chopping away at injustice from my very comfortable, queer, liberal bubble--Tongvaland--and a few relatively "safe" digital lands from which our friendship rose. As the last dregs of my privileges melt away in American prisons and bureaucracy, I am no longer interested in having "this conversation" with anyone anymore. But for you, my friend, I will do so with as much swiftness and clarity as I can muster.
In your post, you wrote a few sentiments frequently expressed on my social media feeds by "friends" and "allies." I'll try to summarize a few:
- America is a burning dumpster fire that will take decades to burn out.
- You're horrified, but whatevs.
Here it is: You Are the Neoliberal Problem Embodied. You Must Change. It Won't Be Easy. Choose Suffering Over Convenience. You Have Been Living on Stolen Land. You Owe Your Country Your Privileged Body. Stop Dreaming and Live in My Nightmare So That Those Like Me Might One Day Dream Again.
When I was strangling myself with an extension cord tied to a doorknob back in 2021, it wasn't because I didn't want to live. I love life. I just didn't want to suffer watching everything die around me. While I know you've been there, reaching through the veil, you've abandoned me there. I live an American reality that we no longer share; you've already accepted "decades" more while I struggle to live each day. This is nothing new to those like me. I, however, am new, and I will not go quietly.
I'm disgusted by my supposed colleagues and friends whose version of activism is posting from the backline rather than the frontline. Where have you been? It wouldn't even help your case if you said you once or twice showed up for a Palestinian rally or what have you. You--a talented, educated, charismatic person with a fierce heart--are not organizing. Waiting for what leadership, then, I ask? Add insult to injury: when I organize even digitally, you're MIA. My existence is so very unimportant to you. And I can't unsee how it is.
If I am privileged enough, I will leave because I can fight better with my brain than my body having seen what the frontline is like for bodies like mine. I've spent 6 years devising strategies to allow me to feel patriotic doing so. You? Well, good luck with acting and all that.
Goodbye. You will not know me the next time you meet me.